Yoga Corner-A Note From Vicki

I write this as we are in the midst of mid-summer. The temperatures are perfect summer temperatures, the sun is shining, the heat feels wonderful. Everyone seems to be celebrating and enjoying this time. People are going to the beach, feeling the sunshine on their skin, splashing in the waves, some are sitting poolside with friends and family, a refreshing drink or a book to get lost in. It’s a beautiful time to go outside for a walk, saying hi to a passerby, taking kids to sports, cheering them on. Summer is busy. It’s hard not to think about winter in the heat of summer. The seasons are so opposed, one light, warm, busy and social, the other dark, cold, slow and maybe less social, hibernating. In all seasons, it’s important to anchor yourself, move with meaning and remember your Why. To take time for yourself. To slow the breath, feel and be present. I need to remind myself of this. When was the last time I took time for myself? It’s easy to say that running or working out was time for me, it was after all, for me, something I wanted to do. I scheduled it for myself, I took time away from my family, for my health. But did I check in with how I was feeling? Maybe briefly, as I held a plank. Did I check in with my emotional state, ground myself, notice if my breath was staggered or quick? Did I accept myself as I am at that moment, did I reflect? The answer is likely not, and if I did, I was most definitely judging myself. Improve.

I have often heard many people say they don’t really know me, or I’m mysterious, keep to myself, private. I will use this opportunity to tell you a little about me, but I also want you to take away something from yoga. Yoga means different things for different people. I often hear people say yoga is hard, or I’m not flexible or I can’t meditate. Whatever is, let me tell you what yoga is for me. For me, yoga is embracing discomfort. Embracing discomfort in my body, in my mind and in my faith. We don’t often like to do things that make us uncomfortable but my question to you, my question to me, is: if we don’t, will we ever grow? How will we connect? There have been many times I felt discomfort, but a certain time sticks out. I found myself feeling off. I didn’t know what was wrong, but something was wrong. I didn’t feel ok. I was feeling physical pain, in my arms, my chest, my jaw (heart attack symptoms, I know!) I had heart palpitations. I had no energy, I was always worried, there wasn’t enough time in the day, and I felt alone. During this time, I was a caregiver for my son, who was young at the time. He has Type 1 Diabetes, if you haven’t heard me say it before. It was difficult. I was single. I didn’t have a good job; I didn’t have a car. It was just difficult all around. I fought to make things better for him, but it took a toll on me. I wasn’t feeling good. I started to worry, what will happen to him, if something happens to me? A question, I couldn’t get out of my head. Like most would do, I went to a doctor for my physical symptoms. He told me I have a stressful life, I laughed, I already knew this. I was trying to change it, but it made me more stressed. He told me I have anxiety, and I felt like he brushed off what I was physically feeling. There was something wrong with me, I knew it, it wasn’t something that could be fixed by going for a walk or doing yoga. I was so upset, I started to feel fear about going to doctors, I felt they didn’t take me seriously and that I was incurable, like my son’s pancreas.

Time moved on and things became worse. I won’t share those details here, but I began to have a dislike for my doctor. There was nothing wrong with him, he was a good doctor, but I was also dealing with some new, very difficult personal circumstances. When he left and a new one came, there was something about this doctor I liked. He was patient, I didn’t feel judged when I broke down in tears in his office. He didn’t act like the others, like I was wasting his time. He had a very large book of Ayurveda on his desk, and he showed it to me. He also mentioned my levels of stress and yoga. He said try it every day for 15 mins. He told me about Yoga with Adriene, a woman who shares free yoga videos on YouTube.

I tried it, not because I thought it would work, but because he was kind and accepting. I felt especially horrible doing yoga that first week. As someone who once valued athleticism (I was a very sporty kid), I was disgusted with how much strength and flexibility I had lost. I couldn’t bend over, my stomach was in the way, I was out of breath and couldn’t keep up but at the same time, I liked the words Adriene said. I felt like she was talking to me. It’s going to be ok. I knew I felt alone but something about her videos made me feel like I wasn’t alone. That there were other people, feeling like me, maybe even doing this video at the same time as me. The beginning of each video was pure torture but at the end, I felt ok. I had done it, I made it (even though sometimes I got fed up and turned it off, or the phone would ring, and I’d get taken away). I began to notice little changes in a very short time. Within a month, I was able to bend over and tie my shoes again. I felt lighter, like I could jump upstairs, rather than steady myself and fear falling or hurting my ankles. My ankles felt stronger! It was enough to keep going. I don’t always have daily practice anymore but in an ideal world, I would, because that is where the magic happens.

Yoga continued to become supportive to me, like a love, a love and supported me no matter how shitty my day was. Yoga was always there, accepting me just as I was. I didn’t have to hide or pretend, live up to expectations, there was no pressure, and I needed that. I started to have more questions, about life, about why some people are the way they are, about why I am the way I am. I noticed how I reacted to things, and I was not happy about it. I wanted to be better, for myself, for others and mostly for my children. I wanted to do better, be better, for them. I always thought I was a selfless person, doing for others and I didn’t see the effect it had on me. I started to see that if I take care of myself, I am giving my children and others in my life the best version of me. There was a point where I had forgotten who I was. A person like me is not always accepted in society. I am quiet. I am sensitive. I am emotional. I feel deeply. I take on others' energy. A lot of people see this as a weakness. I believed it was a weakness. Yoga supported me (along with therapy) to see that those are my strengths. If I give my strengths to others, I need to give them to myself. I need to accept myself in a world that might not always. Yoga has been there for me to answer my questions (how can I strive to be better and grow and accept myself as I am? This was a question I struggled with for years). How can I be a leader and teach a yoga class and be a quiet person? Yoga has helped me grow, to see things for as they are and not necessarily as something that is good or bad but something that just is. It has been there for me when I need a rest, to get through something scary. Pranayama, especially, has helped me overcome fear. Nadi Shodhana has helped me travel to places with my children, out of the country, travelling with my son and Type 1 Diabetes. I don’t let fear stop me anymore. My children know that when I start breathing this way, I just need a minute, that I’m not ok but that I will be.

I’ve had life experiences that made me feel alone and changed my life forever. I know that I am not alone, that others feel this way too. When I am in a yoga room with others or at home alone, I feel so much gratitude. I look around, I see us moving together, breathing together, in sync. We are not alone, we move together, we breathe together and even though we all have our own thoughts, our own experiences, we all only have this time, this life and I chose to spend it the best version of myself, and I see that others around me do too. It doesn’t mean I can’t get down, feel sad, angry, annoyed; the negative emotions, but when I do, if it’s recurring, I’ll start to ask myself the important questions, sometimes there are answers and sometimes there is acceptance, sometimes there is growth. Embracing my fear, my discomfort, has turned into me accepting myself and beginning to love myself again.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about for this yoga corner. I hope that you enjoyed learning a little about me and what yoga is for me. I won’t lie, I felt uncomfortable doing this. I don’t want to overshare, but I also want to share with meaning. It’s why I am here doing this. In my yoga teacher training I committed to leaning into what makes me uncomfortable. To step outside my comfort zone even when it feels impossible, when it comes from a place of fear. I decided I was going to stop preaching to my children and lead by example. I want the world for them. I don’t want them to have these thoughts when they are older, to hold themselves back. I decided I would lead by example, even if I’m quiet. They deserve a happy life and so do I.

In a world where we are often undervalued, busy, too this or too that, yoga has helped me love myself exactly the way I am, even if things are negative. Instead of dwelling on problems and trying to fix them, I've learned to embrace what is and think about what I can do to make this more enjoyable or how can I support myself, what do I need? And then I give myself that. We only have one life, and I choose to spend it liking myself, if others don't, that's ok. I refuse to change, or bend or be louder or quieter for people that won’t like me no matter what I change. All that matters is that I like me.

Teaching yoga is something I dreamed of. I didn’t believe it was a reality for me. One of my children recently went through something difficult and I decided I would never want them to be something for someone else. I want them to be happy, give to themselves when they are adults and be happy. I decided there was no better way to teach them this than by leading by example. What was I showing them? So, while supporting my children, working a full-time job, getting ready for my son to graduate and send him off to university, and taking them both to hockey, I leaped headfirst into yoga teacher training. Sure, I was busy, but is there ever really a better time than the present? At that time, my plan was to dive deep into yoga. I didn’t think I would actually begin to teach. I was taking the training for me, for them, but things started to come my way, and I committed to saying “yes”.

In my yoga classes, I want people to feel welcome. I want it to be an inclusive space where everyone has their own path. I want everyone to feel a little outside their comfort zone: a mix of challenge with ease. My yoga practice supports me in my body and mind to accept myself. I want others to accept themselves as they are on our mats. Maybe we will begin to shift what we learn on our mat, off our mat. I recommend you go through life thinking about how you can make something better for you because there might not be anyone else but you, making things better for you. How can you add to what you are doing so that it is more enjoyable for you? Do you have to sit through a work meeting or read something at the office? Maybe your favorite summer beverage (a refreshing lemonade) would make it better. Iced matcha, anyone! Do you have to wait for someone? Maybe sit outside and look at the clouds or listen to the sounds of birds chirping; take a minute to breathe. Do you have to wait in line? Maybe close your eyes, listen to your heartbeat or smile and say hi to someone next to you. Embrace discomfort, make it enjoyable. Have to hold that plank a little longer? Tell yourself, “I am strong. I am doing it” Maybe add a smile or listen to the music. We all have to do things we don’t want to do. How can we turn negatives into positives?

With Love,

Vicki <3

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